Romeo vs juliet vs Cthulhu vs Gordon Ramsey!
by muffinallen
Summary: Romeo vs Juliet on iron chef with Cthulhu... for more see our tumblr: turablefanficoneshots


To be raped by tentacles, or to not be raped by tentacles that was the question! How this began is also another good question. Long ago in a gal…or Iron Chef Italy the competition began. With your host not of woman born McDuffman! So, grab a beer and pass it to bubba this shits about to get real!

Two households, both alike in culinary mastery,  
In fair R'lyeh, where we lay our scene,  
From Old God's grudge break to new awakening,  
Where civil food makes civil hands unclean for cooking.  
From forth the fatal pork loins of these two foes  
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their virginity by tentacle…or something…

"Here comes the boom…and their respective households!" narrated McDuffman with a sports commentator voice, "On the left or right depending on point of view we have Romeo rep'n the monta…somethin's and the otha peps' be rep'n the cappa foo's!"

The audience was confused because the commentator was white, but soon forgot because e blacked out and died from alcohol poisoning. This however was not before he said "Duffman never dies, only the actors who play him!"

So it was that before the start of the program they had already replaced the commentator The McDuffman with another McDuffman! The new McDuffman went to interview the competitors. He approached Romeo first.

"So son, how you feeling about this competition, Oh Yeah!?" McDuffman asked Romeo.

"Not very well, you see. My girlfriend just left me, and It feels bad man. I feel so empty inside, and feel like I could never love again, and now I understand what all those sad songs are…" bitched Romeo like a thirteen year old emo-chick.

"Whoa, Whoa, man! I just asked about the competition, not your life story. Just grab a Duff and drown your sorrow in alcohol, Oh Yeah!" responded McDuffman trying to both avoid Romeo's drama and promote his alcoholic beverage , which is never the cause of problems, but a way to deal with them! (Please drink responsibly)

Romeo was tempted to say, "I'm not old enough to drink!" but he remembered he was Italian. As everyone knows Italians drink wine from the time they can pick up the bottle, so he chugged the Duff beer like a redneck on a hot day. That's when, in his drunk stupor, he laid eyes on the competition's ass.

McDuffman moved on to the other team that was on the other side of the stage(We would tell you the side they were on, but fuck stage directions). He approached the woman on the port side of the stage and asked the standard interview question. "So are those real?"

"Of course, we always use the finest ingredients in our Italian a-pizza" responded Juliet obviously not understanding the question.

The competition began! First Round!

"Your first challenge is to craft an appetizer using this ingredient: This red fish of the herring variety, Oh Yeah!" loudly exclaimed McDuffman. And thus the cook off, the battle of chefs, the culinary conquest, the attack on taste pallets BEGAN!

Romeo took the red herring and gave it a sour twist… of lime. He used the herring to distract from the llama meat hidden in the dish. Juliet went a very different route. She activated different flags, and didn't fall for the red herring. She instead used vast amounts of garlic, taking the Cullen out of culinary.

When judging, Gordon Ramsey materialized in the judge's panel. "Romeo, that red Herring is so bad; I couldn't use it as a plot device for a B movie! And you Juliet! Yours is so garlic-y that even Wario wouldn't touch it!" he yelled clearly upset because you could see the veins popping out of his head and trying to strangle the competitors. When Romeo and Juliet were in tears, Ramsey drank their tears and used their power to disappear right before the commercial break.

"For the main dish, we are using some kind of tentacle thing, Oh Yeah" McDuffman did'th proclaim.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." Could be heard emanating from the pile of tentacles cumming up from below the stage. Romeo and Juliet spent the commercial break getting friendly with each other and are now dating or something, and now approached the tentacle monster as a team. The ancient high priest of the old ones wasn't going to take shit from these whipper snappers.

Being a true Italian, Romeo used his hidden blade in an attempt to assassinate one of Cthulhu's tentacles, but Cthulhu is immune to all physical damage not caused by yachts, forks, or mint-berry crunch (the boy with the power of mints and berries, with a satisfying crunch).

The attack was so ineffective, that Romeo botched his roll. This failed roll led to him stabbing himself and dying, Shakespeare-ian-ly. Juliet could not stand to live without her Romeo, because she was a stereotypical Italian woman that can't live without her man. So it was then that Juliet impaled herself lengthwise on a Cthulhu tentacle…if you know what I mean, and in so doing brought herself both pain and pleasure….Oh Yeah

For never was a story of more tentacle woe  
than this of Juliet and her not so good assassin Romeo.

Fin

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

_In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming._"

"Duffman never dies, only the actors who play him!"


End file.
